I don't know if this is temporary or permanent. I'll just keep you (if you exist) posted.
May 31st, 2007
oh life
I'm having some financial trouble. So I figured I should get a job. But what job could that exactly be? I can't be a tutor, I'm impatient. I can't be a foodfood guy, I don't have the time. And I can't exactly be a prostitute, i don't have health insurance. What I need is a writing job! Not that I write very well, I just think that since I can't be a journalist, why not do the next best thing?
***
I was supposed to meet up with Astrud but the weather is a bitch so we cancelled it. It would have been my very first date. I mean, an actual date. Not just eat out together. I really like Astrudite, =), she's pretty and very friendly. She's comforting too. I hope she doesn't get to read this, though. Or if she would, I hope she'd just pretend she didn't. 'Cus I haven't really sorted my life yet.
***
I finally saw "Push It To The Limit" on YouTube. Haha. Fun song. :D
***
So I've been thinking, joining the Bench Model Search would have been fun. I sincerely think I'm qualified:
Male applicants have to be at least 5'7". Check, spot on!
Must be Filipino or of Filipino lineage. Check, I'm Filipino.
At least 18.. *awww...* Maybe next year. I wouldn't stand a chance against the Filipino-*insert.any.nationality.here*s anyway.
But it would have been a good way to earn money. My boarding house will cost 2,000 a month. And that's still without food. Crap.
May 29th, 2007
breaking my silence
I'm happy, surprisingly. I'm not shifting to Journalism. My mum has talked to into making it a "hobby", a secondary career (if there's such). She was really comforting about the whole thing. While my sister's bitching about the whole thing. The thing that matter's really is, I'm okay. I'm fine.
***
Had a lot of good things that happen to me, like Sharon treated us (Illumina) to Enchanted Kingdom for her early birthday celebration and Lawrence treated the same crowd to watch the third Pirates of the Caribbean for his 18th birthday celebration. Those are the good things. I'm not telling how I'm verging on insanity living in my Lola's house. I speak less than 20 words a day. Sheesh. God save me.
Anyway, something great happened today. I was at Trinoma, a new hip Ayala mall in Quezon City. I was trying on this outfit in Bench and this attendant asked me how old I was. I said, "Wait, how old am I? Oh, I'm 17." He said, "Sayang." I later learned that Bench has this model search and you need to be 18 to join.
What was he thinking? I can only think of two:
1. He thinks I'm vain enough to actually join.
2. He thinks I'm model-looking enough enough to win. 
I actually think it's a mixture of both.
Bye.
Posted by jaundice at 11:59 PM | 2 made presciption
May 23rd, 2007
what am i doing?
After didn't take our Fifth LE in Math53 (and even before that), people have been labeling things on what I am doing. Many call it "pessimism", some "slacking", "losing hope", "moving on", "being real". But I'm just sad on many different levels.
I know many people are Disappointed in me right now. To you all, especially my Math53 classmates, Migs, Ces and Kay, I am truly sorry.
I didn't take our Finals too. There's no dignity in not trying but in this particular case, there was no dignity in trying as well. Pass or fail the finals, I am still to take Math53 next semester.
I have said this to my friends, I'm going to say this again: I know there is no way to justify my irresponsibility as a student, son and friend. I feel bad that I accepted failure that easily - that I didn't even struggle, that I didn't even have pride. I didn't try to save myself. But all that is just regrets. I guess it's time to move on. I'd like to think that I didn't waste time and money this semester. I'd like to think that I hired a tutor and gave me a lesson in life I will someday teach my children. I just ope my mum would buy that. I highly doubt.
Friends, thank you for the concern you have shown. Again, I'm sorry. 
I guess what I'm doing is moving on. Yes, this is moving on.
May 12th, 2007
post-it, pre-it, paksh-it
It = 4th Math exam.
While the rest of Katipunan parties in Libis or drinks in Cantina, my classmates and I were accompanied by really great friends, were in McDo Katips with our larger-than-life books, studying. Or at least trying to do so. We stayed there until after four. Then we decided to walk from McDo to Yakal which is approximately 4.5 kilometers apart.
Then I realized that I didn't have sleep so I decided to sleep. It's silly to forget sleep, right? It was near 5AM, my exam was scheduled at 9AM. I woke up 15 minutes before 9. I took a very quick shower, put on a clean underwear, my "I LOVE MATH" shirt for good luck, my favorite green shorts and my white sneakers. I dipped my finger into my yellow, sticky styling gum and scattered it to my hair. Then I looked good, as usual. I took an Ikot.
I arrived there, fabulously late. I grabbed a copy of the exam, I sat at the back, in the far corner. I read the questions and I read it again. I wrote some things on my bluebook and a few minutes after (the exam was for two hours), I'm done. My fate was sealed, a FIVE in Math53. I just sat there and watched my classmates battle it out. I admired their fighting spirit. I wished I was as good. I was the first one to submit, the first one to give up, the first to fail.
Unusually, I don't feel that bad. I realized, what do I do with intelligence if God made me ugly?
***
Crazy right? Hehe. I feel awfully bad and poor and dumb and I think I like someone and it's very bad because things aren't in their proper order and I can't decide what to do, say or do and do. I don't know what, where to eat and who to eat with. I don't know what to do. What to say to my parents. I want to sleep. I just want to talk to my friends. I want to be massaged. I want comfort. I need love. Lend me your brain.
May 11th, 2007
giving up
Yesterday was the deadline for dropping subjects. I was really considering dropping the subject (Math 53) because of my incapability to pass the exams. It's the worst feeling I have in months. I felt dumb, damned, guilty, contented all at the same time.
I didn't go to Math yesterday. To think. To decide. To make a possible wise decision.
After weighing things: I didn't drop Math. Even if my first three long exams go as follows: 43%, 33%, 27%. Tomorrow, the fourth. Yikes.
I just feel heavy in the chest knowing that what in front of me is a mountain almost impossible to climb. All I'm really wishing for right now is a 4.0. And When I think about it, a 5.0 wouldn't hurt at all any more. I guess I have grown a bit apathetic about the whole thing. I think I have given up on it. Like I have given up on many things like singing, and drawing. Like I have given up on the things that I am trying to go back to now: debating and dancing. Like I have given up on love. Like how I seem to give up on life.
The thoughts in my head: Mama. I really feel bad that I am disappointing my mama now. What a gift to give for Mother's Day right? It's not just about my mama or my family, mind you. It's about my whole clan who I'm disappointing. It's like we're Chinese only we're not. They are watching, waiting, expecting. And I am failing them all. What a disappointment. But when I think about it, the wrong is on my end, disappointment was always there looming, I just failed to recognize it.
And now look at me, writing a blog entry instead of studying. I am on the verge of cracking. I feel to sad to study.